This afternoon, I took a nap, and during that nap I had a dream where I fell in love with a woman who resembles Kristen Bell, TV's Veronica Mars. For much of the day I heard pop songs and wanted to cry and I agonized over the fact that even in my dreams my love is doomed. You see, in this dream, I met this woman on vacation and while on vacation we fell in love. She told me she didn't want her heart broken, revealing herself to be a damaged woman just like any twenty-something I run into on a daily basis. I intended to tell her that I wouldn't break her heart, but remembered that I would be returning to Fort Worth shortly. I was Christopher Reeve looking at a 1979 Lincoln penny. I was Jennifer Connelly and the Labyrinth was crumbling apart as a result of David Bowie having no power over me (which is untrue - David Bowie has much power over me).
Later, fishing for some entertaining thing to do I texted one of my oldest friends Jared to see if he'd be inclined to see a film with me, perhaps Bruno. He explained that he had to work tonight. I told him I intended to hang out with my good buddy, but if nothing worked out I'd simply watch some videos. He said that this is what he had been doing for much of the day, and that he had watched an episode of Veronica Mars which, for the sake of redundancy, stars Kristen Bell, today. Now, by this point I had determined that my dream stemmed from a late night viewing of Bell's recent film Fan Boys about a group of friends who road trip across the nation to steal Star Wars: Episode I from George Lucas prior to its screening because their cancer stricken friend won't last until it debuts. But I mathematically determined that it was possible he was viewing Bell on the screen while I was viewing her in my mind's eye. I'm certain that most readers will know exactly where I am going with this.
For those of you who aren't following me, I'll spell it out: E.S.P. While I was asleep, the barriers that the conscious mind places on perception through habit and neglect may be capable of lifting, and surely if my mind were to link to the mind of another and capture images of Miss Bell from such a person's eyes it would be someone who I have known for years and whose mind was already open to me. I began grilling Jared about specific events that happened in this episode of "V Mars" and though they do not match completely I have not ruled out second sight as a possibility. Besides, a remote mind meld is much more manly than simply feeling heartsick for a connection.
Here's where the paradox comes in. By telling you this, I risk horrible repercussions in the future. In the back of the most recent issue of TV guide, Josh Holloway graces the Horoscope page wearing a dark Superman t-shirt and a "I just got laid" grin. On the same page, I was given a message from an oracle who is sometimes referred to as Sally Brompton that I ought to be more secretive about my everyday "comings and goings," suggesting that any "moneymaking venture" I am planning might hang in the balance. What do these terms mean? My comings and goings now include paranormal visions resulting from mind-links and I am currently working toward getting paid for blogging. If I talk about my paranormal abilities to the public, it could easily set off a cascade of events that brings about an end to me dreams of being paid for writing. I imagine lynch mobs and mutant registration acts. On the other hand, this whole thing makes for a witty blend of paranoia and paranormal, a specialty of mine, and by its existence screams to be blogged about. This is the sort of thing that people might eat up and which might bring me great success.
I once told my mother that I had written a blog and she replied, "So did I." I told her mine was on blogspot and asked where hers was. She explained that she had written her blog in her notebook. Laughing ensued. The incident became part of my comedic repertoir. Yet, if I feel so inclined to write this blog which the augurs determine is against the will of the gods, why not simply condemn it to a notebook and banish said notebook to a box in my parents' basement? Why taunt the fates? I suppose I share the same reason as Achilles, who chose to be the greatest name in warring, guaranteed, over a long prosperous existence, and that reason that we share is glory.
P.S. I humbly ask you to spread the word of my greatness. K THX.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Techniques for Administering Ice Cream
I go upstairs to check on my parents. They don't need checking on, but I'm staying at their house and I've spent the entire day in the basement sleeping, watching videos and drinking water to flush alcohol, energy drinks and junk food out of my system. I'm prepared to watch either a bootleg of The Hurt Locker or Quarantine. Upstairs, my father is asleep in the chair with a Tommy Lee Jones flick on the television. When he wakes up, I tell him that I intend to tell his co-workers the terrifying truth that he's been watching Country Music Television. Cowering, he tries to appeal to my compassion. "I just can't turn down a chance to watch Lonesome Dove," he says. I proceed to rant about how "perfect" it is that CMT airs television shows and movies that "clearly represent" how all country singers "actually live in the wild west," and would clearly never make a song about such a subject as "Honky Tonk Badonkadonks." I leave the room on this high note.
I'm not hungry, but while visiting Michigan it seems to be a tradition for me to be offered food at all times. I fight it and fight it, but the force of habit is too strong. I'm not hungry, but I need ice cream anyways. There's black cherry ice cream in the refrigerator, but I'm disappointed to find that there's not enough for an entire bowl. In an attempt to hollow out this box of ice cream, I turn it sideways and begin to scoop the remains of a once proud ice cream into my bowl. As a result of this sideways-turning, however, the largest chunk of ice cream falls out onto the floor. My father's drowsy. There's no way he saw this. I'm in the clear. So I pick up the ice cream and put it in the bowl.
The trouble with picking up ice cream from the floor is that it is a sticky substance. It is a substance that wants to be a part of everything. Maybe it studied Eastern Philosophy in the New Age section of Barnes and Nobles. I am not clear on the details. What is clear is that ice cream, unlike many foods scooped from the floor, wants to pick up any dirt, hair or insect bi-product that is available. This is why you find ice cream with nuts, chocolate chunks and sprinkles. In its natural habitat, ice cream enters into a mutualistic relationship with any object it encounters. But because of the advent of man, ice cream has evolved differently. The species that bond with attributes more pleasing to man are selected over those that bond with rabbit droppings or centipedes.
I've examined the ice cream and found no unwholesome particles attached. It is ice cream untrue to its nature, and this suits my purposes. Unfortunately, my generation of human beings cannot trust this fact. In the 80's when I was very young we started learning of contagious diseases such as AIDS. By the 90's we believed that the most terrifying strand of Ebola could in fact be contracted by listening to a recording of South African choir music, which I imagine to be the reason for the decline in record sales for Ladysmith Black Mumbazo in recent years. In a world where I could catch eye strain from sharing a coke with a squinting friend, there was no way that I could get away with simply eating this ice cream.
I ate the ice cream, but for some time I thought about what havok might be wreaked on my digestive system. It lead me to the conclusion - and I am a philosopher, mind you! - that ignorance is bliss. If someone were preparing ice cream for me and they dropped it on the ground, assuming that there was no more ice cream left but that from the ground, I would prefer that they didn't tell me that my ice cream had a possibility of contaminated. Not only that, but I would prefer, if possible, that the person who presents me the ice cream not know it was dropped. I wish for it to be double-blind. If I am presented with ice cream and this person lingers to see if I will "actually eat it," or if he cringes, I would believe that something was wrong and I would psychosomatically command myself into sickness. I would prefer that someone would scoop the ice cream off the floor, carry it out of the room to another person saying, "Could you transport this bowl of ice cream to Justin, please?" That person would ignorantly bring the ice cream to me, and I would ignorantly eat it. In a post-AIDS world the only way to defeat the neuroses of modern man is with rigorous method.
At the conclusion of this blog entry I still don't feel sick. My explanation: I have been distracted by blogging about eating ice cream. What will happen when I stop thinking, when the opening scenes of Quarantine are on the screen and I'm left to my own devices? I don't know.
I just hope I survive it.
I'm not hungry, but while visiting Michigan it seems to be a tradition for me to be offered food at all times. I fight it and fight it, but the force of habit is too strong. I'm not hungry, but I need ice cream anyways. There's black cherry ice cream in the refrigerator, but I'm disappointed to find that there's not enough for an entire bowl. In an attempt to hollow out this box of ice cream, I turn it sideways and begin to scoop the remains of a once proud ice cream into my bowl. As a result of this sideways-turning, however, the largest chunk of ice cream falls out onto the floor. My father's drowsy. There's no way he saw this. I'm in the clear. So I pick up the ice cream and put it in the bowl.
The trouble with picking up ice cream from the floor is that it is a sticky substance. It is a substance that wants to be a part of everything. Maybe it studied Eastern Philosophy in the New Age section of Barnes and Nobles. I am not clear on the details. What is clear is that ice cream, unlike many foods scooped from the floor, wants to pick up any dirt, hair or insect bi-product that is available. This is why you find ice cream with nuts, chocolate chunks and sprinkles. In its natural habitat, ice cream enters into a mutualistic relationship with any object it encounters. But because of the advent of man, ice cream has evolved differently. The species that bond with attributes more pleasing to man are selected over those that bond with rabbit droppings or centipedes.
I've examined the ice cream and found no unwholesome particles attached. It is ice cream untrue to its nature, and this suits my purposes. Unfortunately, my generation of human beings cannot trust this fact. In the 80's when I was very young we started learning of contagious diseases such as AIDS. By the 90's we believed that the most terrifying strand of Ebola could in fact be contracted by listening to a recording of South African choir music, which I imagine to be the reason for the decline in record sales for Ladysmith Black Mumbazo in recent years. In a world where I could catch eye strain from sharing a coke with a squinting friend, there was no way that I could get away with simply eating this ice cream.
I ate the ice cream, but for some time I thought about what havok might be wreaked on my digestive system. It lead me to the conclusion - and I am a philosopher, mind you! - that ignorance is bliss. If someone were preparing ice cream for me and they dropped it on the ground, assuming that there was no more ice cream left but that from the ground, I would prefer that they didn't tell me that my ice cream had a possibility of contaminated. Not only that, but I would prefer, if possible, that the person who presents me the ice cream not know it was dropped. I wish for it to be double-blind. If I am presented with ice cream and this person lingers to see if I will "actually eat it," or if he cringes, I would believe that something was wrong and I would psychosomatically command myself into sickness. I would prefer that someone would scoop the ice cream off the floor, carry it out of the room to another person saying, "Could you transport this bowl of ice cream to Justin, please?" That person would ignorantly bring the ice cream to me, and I would ignorantly eat it. In a post-AIDS world the only way to defeat the neuroses of modern man is with rigorous method.
At the conclusion of this blog entry I still don't feel sick. My explanation: I have been distracted by blogging about eating ice cream. What will happen when I stop thinking, when the opening scenes of Quarantine are on the screen and I'm left to my own devices? I don't know.
I just hope I survive it.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Current Events 3
5/01/2009, Denton, Texas:
Micah's professor (University of North Texas, Denton, Texas) reminded students to check their e-mail before coming to class, explaining that this is how teachers cancel classes in the event that the school is closed. Micah was under the impression that there's a good likelihood that the University of North Texas could be closed down in the near future as a result of the swine flu.
Micah's professor (University of North Texas, Denton, Texas) reminded students to check their e-mail before coming to class, explaining that this is how teachers cancel classes in the event that the school is closed. Micah was under the impression that there's a good likelihood that the University of North Texas could be closed down in the near future as a result of the swine flu.
Current Events 2
5/01/2009, Denton, Texas:
The following memo was posted in the men's bathroom of GTI (Denton, Texas) near the sink and the door, with copies available at the counter where all employees check in/out their equipment:
"To: All Employees
"From: Human Resources
"Re: Swine Flu
"Date: 04/29/2009
"Due to recent outbreaks of swine flu across the country, GTI is requesting that anyone displaying flu-like symptoms NOT attend work. If you are displaying the following symptoms, please contact your supervisor and let them know that you are ill.
"-Fever
"-Lethargy
"-Lack of appetite
"-Coughing
"-Runny nose
"-Sore throat
"-Nausea
"-Vomiting
"-Diarrhea
"-----------------------------
"From http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/:
"What You Can Do to Stay Healthy
"There are everyday actions people can take to stay healthy.
"-Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
"-Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hands cleaners are also effective.
"-Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread that way.
"Try to avoid close contact with sick people.
"-Influenza is thought to spread mainly person-to-person through coughing or sneezing of infected people/
"-If you get sick, CDC recommends that you stay home from work or school and limit contact with others to keep from infecting them.
"---------------------------------
"Bottles of hand sanitizer will be stationed throughout the building; please make use of them.
"For more information on swine flu, please visit www.cdc.gov/swineflu or call 1-800-cdc-info"
The following memo was posted in the men's bathroom of GTI (Denton, Texas) near the sink and the door, with copies available at the counter where all employees check in/out their equipment:
"To: All Employees
"From: Human Resources
"Re: Swine Flu
"Date: 04/29/2009
"Due to recent outbreaks of swine flu across the country, GTI is requesting that anyone displaying flu-like symptoms NOT attend work. If you are displaying the following symptoms, please contact your supervisor and let them know that you are ill.
"-Fever
"-Lethargy
"-Lack of appetite
"-Coughing
"-Runny nose
"-Sore throat
"-Nausea
"-Vomiting
"-Diarrhea
"-----------------------------
"From http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/:
"What You Can Do to Stay Healthy
"There are everyday actions people can take to stay healthy.
"-Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
"-Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hands cleaners are also effective.
"-Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread that way.
"Try to avoid close contact with sick people.
"-Influenza is thought to spread mainly person-to-person through coughing or sneezing of infected people/
"-If you get sick, CDC recommends that you stay home from work or school and limit contact with others to keep from infecting them.
"---------------------------------
"Bottles of hand sanitizer will be stationed throughout the building; please make use of them.
"For more information on swine flu, please visit www.cdc.gov/swineflu or call 1-800-cdc-info"
Current Events 1
5/01/2009, Denton, Texas:
A woman came into work (GTI, Denton, Texas) saying that her kids did not have school today. She said that she had been called directly by the teacher the night before to inform her that the school had been closed. The implication is that this is a result of the swine flu.
Later, I heard a man and a woman in the break room mention that the only confirmed case of swine flu in the area was in Carrolton. Though many schools in the area had been closed, he suggested, it was only because people had the flu and the school decided that it was better to be safe than sorry.
A woman came into work (GTI, Denton, Texas) saying that her kids did not have school today. She said that she had been called directly by the teacher the night before to inform her that the school had been closed. The implication is that this is a result of the swine flu.
Later, I heard a man and a woman in the break room mention that the only confirmed case of swine flu in the area was in Carrolton. Though many schools in the area had been closed, he suggested, it was only because people had the flu and the school decided that it was better to be safe than sorry.
Misdirection
That last attempt at making this blog of use to me didn't go anywhere. Here's a new muse:
I was thinking of writing events that I witness that correspond with important news items and larger movements. This log would serve me well if, for example, I ever wrote a period piece about the not-so-distant past, something that I've always thought about doing.
I would like to give a special thank you to the swine flu for putting me right in the middle of a big news item. The swine flu is apparently a bigger problem for people who come in contact with Mexicans.
And I live in Texas. Here goes.
(Note: this will not all be about the swine flu if all goes well.)
I was thinking of writing events that I witness that correspond with important news items and larger movements. This log would serve me well if, for example, I ever wrote a period piece about the not-so-distant past, something that I've always thought about doing.
I would like to give a special thank you to the swine flu for putting me right in the middle of a big news item. The swine flu is apparently a bigger problem for people who come in contact with Mexicans.
And I live in Texas. Here goes.
(Note: this will not all be about the swine flu if all goes well.)
Friday, February 6, 2009
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